Finding Love After Divorce

I left my first marriage when I was 41. We stayed together for a little over 10 years, which was a true testament to our friendship. We were in our early 30’s when we met through a friend, and the clock was ticking. We were married a little over a year after we met each other.

We never had children… we had careers. We were excellent partners in terms of managing our lives, our schedules, our dog and our relationships. We both benefited from each other in many ways but in the end, it wasn’t enough.

I never had very good role models in terms of what a healthy and nurturing marriage should look like, and if I’m being honest, I just wanted to feel safe and secure — a feeling I was not too familiar with when I was a child, and in my earlier adult years.

In my first marriage, I married my best friend at that time. A man who I loved, trusted and respected — but- who I wasn’t IN love with. I don’t think I really knew what “IN” love even meant.

When I was 23 years old, my boyfriend, whom I had been dating for three years, proposed to me. I had graduated from college the year prior and he was in his last year of law school at NYU. He was smart, handsome and we many similar interests. Problem was… he got jealous often and when he drank, he turned mean. The day he proposed I knew in my heart it would not be the right thing, but he encouraged me to hold onto the ring for the weekend and think about it.

That night I had dinner with my father. We had one of the most memorable conversations I can ever remember us having. I told him that I didn’t think it was the right choice for me. I said that I wanted to be married to someone that gave me the chills!

My dad really liked this guy, and he said to me, “Laney, all that other stuff goes away… the most important thing is that you be with someone who will be a good partner and I think you should seriously consider his proposal. It’s obvious that he adores you, maybe he won’t drink so much or be jealous anymore if you marry him.”

I know my father had good intentions, but it was the worst advice he ever gave me.

I did not accept that proposal, but years later, after several other long term relationships, I met my first husband and thought about my father’s words: “All that other stuff goes away… marry someone that you trust and that you know will be a good partner.” I knew I wasn't being honest with myself, or him, the day I walked down the aisle…but I never forgot what my dad told me. I felt secure in the fact that I had found a good “partner”.

Fast forward 10 years to present day… I am remarried to the most incredible man I have ever known. I had no idea marriage could feel this way.

There are lots of different kinds of marriages, and I suppose that different people need different things. But for me — the biggest need I had was unconditional love. Not angry love. Not jealous love. Not co-dependent love or love only during the good times.

Unconditional love was not something that I had ever experienced until my second marriage. I honestly didn’t even know what it would feel like… to have someone so “IN” love with me. So much so, that I now believe he literally taught me how to love myself.

Over the past couple years — especially as I’ve entered my 50's — several of my friends have either gotten separated, or divorced.

It takes a lot of courage to leave a marriage — especially one that’s not terrible — with no infidelities or dishonesty, but also: no fire, “chills” or butterflies in the stomach. (all that “other” stuff)

I decided to not date anyone until my divorce was final. It seemed safer to me and I knew that I needed some time to figure out who I was and what I wanted as I moved forward with my life.

I didn’t think I would ever remarry… mostly because I was afraid I would get divorced again, and I couldn’t fathom the thought of going through two failed marriages. The pain of one failed marriage certainly left scars that took a while to heal. Additionally, I had no interest in having children, or being a parent to someone else’s children. I didn’t need anyone to support me financially. I felt that I knew how to take care of myself and manage my own needs. I was looking for a playmate. Someone that I was attracted to in all the ways. Someone to do fun things with. Someone who would lovingly challenge me to be my best self. Someone I could have thoughtful conversations with. Someone who would accept me for me — someone who wanted it all.

I met my now husband online in the fall of 2012. Online dating wasn't as much of a thing in my twenties, so it was a little scary to me. I was curious, but so nervous! Creating my profile and putting myself out there felt like torture… but… it was one of the best things I have ever done.

As I answered all the questions so that my algorithm would reach the right prospects, I realized I had never thought about some of the most important things needed to REALLY “match” with another person for the long term. I actually wasn't sure about the deeper things that I wanted in an intimate relationship or more importantly what I did not want. I went out with a dozen men- most were simple coffee dates- a few were a bit more.

Then I met him.

Our first date was simple and fun— we went to a little Mexican restaurant in Washington DC for dinner and we laughed the whole night! It was so easy, so comfortable… like we had been together before, in another lifetime maybe.

On our next date, 3 days later, he invited me to be his date at the wedding of a friend of his. As we entered the church, he gently placed his hand around my waste and I felt what can only be described as a powerful electric jolt that went from my head to my toes- flushed faced- I knew that I didn’t want to see anyone but him. It felt even better than “chills”.

We’ve been inseparable since that day. We dated for four years before he proposed. We went through many challenges together, but the love we felt for each other always prevailed. We helped each other grow.

After I separated from my first marriage, I went into therapy… the therapist suggested that I make a detailed list of everything I was looking for in a partner. I believe that when we are soulfully honest and true to ourselves, the universe conspires to bring us what we want. A few months after meeting my current husband, I pulled out my list and showed it to him. He was literally everything on my page.

I’m sharing this with hopes that it will bring others comfort in knowing that life can go on after divorce. In fact, it can be more beautiful than anything ever imagined. I’m grateful that, in my current relationship, I didn’t settle for anything less than having the “chills”… in my experience, when you’re with the right person…the chills don’t go away… even when things get tough.

When it’s right, the love only grows deeper and stronger.

(and “all that other stuff” doesn't go away… it stays, it lasts and it’s beautiful)